It Is Not Your Fault.

I never thought that I would be writing a post like this before, but here it goes.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Do not for a second blame yourself or tell yourself it is all your fault, because it is not. What I am talking about is a miscarriage. Yep, I said it; a miscarriage.

I have been through two miscarriages within a month and a half from each other. TWO! How is it even possible to think its not your fault when it is your own body that has failed you! Reminding myself that it is not my fault and that there are tons of reasons that caused it is something that I have not accepted yet. Being only 22, a miscarriage is not something that you hear about or even prepare yourself for. You miss your first period, take a test, get the positive, and then your joy and excitement gets taken from you days later. First thing I remember thinking to myself ,”What have I done? What did I do wrong to make this happen”. At first, no one is there to tell your mind that it going to be okay. You end up being the biggest threat to yourself. Self doubt, self-hatred, confusion, these are all instant emotions that over come the joy and happiness you were feeling two hours earlier. Your life stops. You try to understand what is happening, why you feel the way you feel, and why it is happening to you. “WHY AM I THE ONE BEING HURT. WHY AM I THE ONE WHO HAS TO SAY THEY LOST THE BABY. WHY!” I have never had to admit something so hurtful to my husband. We were not planning this baby, but that moment you realize there is a miracle happening inside you, you don’t care if it was planned or not. You are so happy that God has chosen you to be the parents of that child. And then, it happens. “Does God not think I am good enough” Self doubt. 

I have had to tell myself constantly that it is not my fault. That God was actually helping me and protecting me and the baby that was growing. Doctors will tell you “miscarriages happen when something is wrong with the egg” or similar things. But that still does not make it feel better. That does not make the pain your feeling, of your body terminating your child, go away. There is no class in life preparing you for the pain that is caused by a miscarriage. It’s not just emotional pain, its physical pain. Your body feels like it is attacking you and there is nothing that can help you. For me, the pain was just a reminder of what was happening and I just wanted it to stop.

I could not imagine going through this without my family, my husband, or my best friend. They have been there for me and are constantly reminding me that it is all part of God’s plan. Of course, I don’t want to believe them or think that it is all going to be okay. I know its going to eventually be okay, but right now I am not okay. I have not been able to heal properly from it and once I thought I finally was going to move forward and be more positive about everything, the second positive came on that stick. Once I saw that, I thought it was God opening up and listening to me and my prayers. I was so happy, yet so paranoid. I stressed myself out obsessing over the fact that I did not want it to happen again. The next four weeks I put myself through hell. I was trying to be that perfect instagram mom who knew everything that was going to help protect this baby and keep it healthy. Well, guess where that took me. Back to urgent care, back to a horrid reality that I was not ready to face again. It had only been a month and a half since the last one, why was God putting me through this again. And this time we had told everyone that we were expecting and were so excited, all to be shattered once again. I have tried and tried to put a happy face on every day and tell people I am fine. But I am not. I feel like I am at one of the lowest points I have ever been at. So discouraged and full of self hate.

This is what no one can prepare you for. No one can prepare you for the emotions that will fill you or the thoughts that will go through your mind. Even when someone you know, like your mom, goes through it. Her experience does not compare to how you are going to feel. Every one is different. You are going to feel however you feel and no one can help. At least that’s how it has been for me. And as a woman, I feel like it is my right to feel the way I feel. Unless that baby was in my husbands body, he cannot truly understand the pain or emotions that are going through me or my body. I do not want to discredit husbands or partners, they feel pain too and ladies we have to be there for them just as much as they are for us. Partners will not show it how we do so we need to be there for them too.  

No matter what, you’re going to hurt. You’re going to be reminded of what has happened to you daily. Your going to feel weak, disgusting, and worthless. But I am here to tell you that, it is not your fault. You are not to blame for any of it. Not you and not your body. I can assure you that God is going to bless us all with the child he feels needs us. But do not loose faith in yourself. Take your time to heal, it is not a race to see who can heal faster. This process is about you! This is a time where you need yourself the most, and your partner. You are not going through it alone. This is a time to do what is best for you. You are allowed to have your moments, you are allowed to feel how you feel. No one is in charge of yourself but you, so take care of you. Don’t focus on the negative, even though that is a lot easier said than done. Count your blessings and say your prayers, there is a special plan for all of us.

xoxo-Mrs.G